Life is full of those little "heart break" moments. Today I am having a moment.So just bare with me on this one.I remember back when I was a teenager and I so desperately wanted this particular item of clothing that hung in the window of a shop I walked past every.single.day on my way to TAFE - it taunted me with its come hither looks and its "I'm new and you can't have me" smell. Oh I CAN have you - and I WILL! I saved all my babysitting money and it was mine. At least I thought it was. That top that had teased me for three weeks was gone. Somebody else had bought it. Heartbroken.
When my first ever "real" boyfriend broke it off with me. ( thats the nice way of saying I got ditched) Heartbroken.
When my hair just wouldn't do what it was supposed to. Heartbroken.
Now? Four kids latter, I sit here thinking about my "babies" (one of whom is 8 now, they will ALWAYS be my babies) and think wow, I wish I was only ever "someone else bought that top I wanted" heartbroken. Not I would move mountains to stop this happening to you heartbroken. Who would have ever thought with a "job"" that could be so damn awesome would come so many tears.
I have these moments about ALL of my children. I love each and every one of them more than I ever thought was humanly possible.These particular tears however are for my baby baby. Little Maximus Owl who was born 8 weeks early fighting for life but doing just that - fighting. His little gladiator name suited him to a tee as he fought against the odds, screwed his little button nose up at the doctors and said "pfft - I don't need your help breathing, didn't you catch my name? I can do it myself!"
Now my little baby is two and facing his second bilateral eye operation for a squint. He is beautiful. I know I know EVERYONE says their kids are beautiful. Mine REALLY TRULY RULY are beautiful ( totally no bias at all of course) and the fact that there is anyone else out there that looks at my littlest big man and sees anything but what I see breaks my heart.
On the odd occasion we go shopping, well we do this alot (ALOT) and we often get comments or looks or those innocent children with the "MUM mum mum MUUUUM look, whats wrong with his eyes?" . I want to crash tackle them ALL and tell them how when I cuddle him he likes to play with that little soft bit on my ear lobe, or how he is the most ticklish right underneath his bum - that little spot just before his nappy. Or how he has just learnt not 1, not 2 but THREE new words. He isn't all about the eyes - he is so so so much more and I love him so much that my heart literally feels like it could explode and if I could, for one second - for the rest of his lifetime - take away all the comments, all the operations and all the pain I would in a heartbeat. I would undergo a million katrillion eye operations if I could just save him from this one.
Once whilst shopping we took our goods up to the counter to pay and the lady looked at Max and smiled, then she turned to the three ladies behind the counter and called them over "Girls, ( I cant remember the names she was calling) come over here, you have GOT to see this little boy - he is SO cute - look! he is going cross eyed at me!!" she said as she tried to return the favor by going cross eyed at him.
I gripped my fingers ever so tightly around the handle of the trolley. I would not ninja roll the counter and beat her with my purse. I would not! I politely told her he had a squint and therefor no choice, gripped the handle a little tighter and.calmly.walked.away. Put the kids in the car, my head on the steering wheel and sobbed. My heart broke. I saw Max's little life floating in front of my eyes. The cruel comments from the other kids at school. The first rejection from that girl he likes ( that I have of course hand picked and preapproved because this is my vision and thats how ALL my kids life partners are chosen) and then I saw myself, commando roll through my own little dream and take them ALL out with one ninja kick WHHHHHAAAACHHHAAAAAA ( that's the noise I would make) HE IS BEAUTIFUL.
I know that life will throw so many hurdles at him, squinty eye or not. There will be times he comes to me for advice, for a bandaid, for a hug and in a selfish way I look forward to every single one of them. Its the times I can do nothing about, nothing but sit back and watch that break my wee little heart. Yes I know I know, thats life and life happens and things happen and these experiences will shape him to be the man he is going to be and it will be awesome and he will be great and and and and YES I have heard them all and somewhere deep down inside I know its all true -but today, the day before he screams whilst they put him to sleep. The day before he screams when he wakes in that room full of nurses that he doesnt know desperately looking for me because all he wants to do is rub that soft spot on my ear lobe, today - the day before he screams because it hurts. Today I am just going to cry a little and pray that this time it will work and it will all be ok and wish above everything else in this world that I could take it all away.
That and ninja chop anyone who stands in our way. He is Beautiful and he is my baby. Perfect in every.single.way.
Thought of the moment:
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt
