Life is full of those little "heart break" moments. Today I am having a moment.So just bare with me on this one.I remember back when I was a teenager and I so desperately wanted this particular item of clothing that hung in the window of a shop I walked past every.single.day on my way to TAFE - it taunted me with its come hither looks and its "I'm new and you can't have me" smell. Oh I CAN have you - and I WILL! I saved all my babysitting money and it was mine. At least I thought it was. That top that had teased me for three weeks was gone. Somebody else had bought it. Heartbroken.
When my first ever "real" boyfriend broke it off with me. ( thats the nice way of saying I got ditched) Heartbroken.
When my hair just wouldn't do what it was supposed to. Heartbroken.
Now? Four kids latter, I sit here thinking about my "babies" (one of whom is 8 now, they will ALWAYS be my babies) and think wow, I wish I was only ever "someone else bought that top I wanted" heartbroken. Not I would move mountains to stop this happening to you heartbroken. Who would have ever thought with a "job"" that could be so damn awesome would come so many tears.
I have these moments about ALL of my children. I love each and every one of them more than I ever thought was humanly possible.These particular tears however are for my baby baby. Little Maximus Owl who was born 8 weeks early fighting for life but doing just that - fighting. His little gladiator name suited him to a tee as he fought against the odds, screwed his little button nose up at the doctors and said "pfft - I don't need your help breathing, didn't you catch my name? I can do it myself!"
Now my little baby is two and facing his second bilateral eye operation for a squint. He is beautiful. I know I know EVERYONE says their kids are beautiful. Mine REALLY TRULY RULY are beautiful ( totally no bias at all of course) and the fact that there is anyone else out there that looks at my littlest big man and sees anything but what I see breaks my heart.
On the odd occasion we go shopping, well we do this alot (ALOT) and we often get comments or looks or those innocent children with the "MUM mum mum MUUUUM look, whats wrong with his eyes?" . I want to crash tackle them ALL and tell them how when I cuddle him he likes to play with that little soft bit on my ear lobe, or how he is the most ticklish right underneath his bum - that little spot just before his nappy. Or how he has just learnt not 1, not 2 but THREE new words. He isn't all about the eyes - he is so so so much more and I love him so much that my heart literally feels like it could explode and if I could, for one second - for the rest of his lifetime - take away all the comments, all the operations and all the pain I would in a heartbeat. I would undergo a million katrillion eye operations if I could just save him from this one.
Once whilst shopping we took our goods up to the counter to pay and the lady looked at Max and smiled, then she turned to the three ladies behind the counter and called them over "Girls, ( I cant remember the names she was calling) come over here, you have GOT to see this little boy - he is SO cute - look! he is going cross eyed at me!!" she said as she tried to return the favor by going cross eyed at him.
I gripped my fingers ever so tightly around the handle of the trolley. I would not ninja roll the counter and beat her with my purse. I would not! I politely told her he had a squint and therefor no choice, gripped the handle a little tighter and.calmly.walked.away. Put the kids in the car, my head on the steering wheel and sobbed. My heart broke. I saw Max's little life floating in front of my eyes. The cruel comments from the other kids at school. The first rejection from that girl he likes ( that I have of course hand picked and preapproved because this is my vision and thats how ALL my kids life partners are chosen) and then I saw myself, commando roll through my own little dream and take them ALL out with one ninja kick WHHHHHAAAACHHHAAAAAA ( that's the noise I would make) HE IS BEAUTIFUL.
I know that life will throw so many hurdles at him, squinty eye or not. There will be times he comes to me for advice, for a bandaid, for a hug and in a selfish way I look forward to every single one of them. Its the times I can do nothing about, nothing but sit back and watch that break my wee little heart. Yes I know I know, thats life and life happens and things happen and these experiences will shape him to be the man he is going to be and it will be awesome and he will be great and and and and YES I have heard them all and somewhere deep down inside I know its all true -but today, the day before he screams whilst they put him to sleep. The day before he screams when he wakes in that room full of nurses that he doesnt know desperately looking for me because all he wants to do is rub that soft spot on my ear lobe, today - the day before he screams because it hurts. Today I am just going to cry a little and pray that this time it will work and it will all be ok and wish above everything else in this world that I could take it all away.
That and ninja chop anyone who stands in our way. He is Beautiful and he is my baby. Perfect in every.single.way.
Thought of the moment:
While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt
Hope everything goes ok. Max IS just gorgeous!! Don't you wish we could wrap our babes in cotton wool sometimes so nothing could ever hurt them.Big hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. You have to realise that there are far worse off children. My nephew was born with glaucoma, and due to pressure problems he lost one. the second is not far from being redundant. I wish my nephew only had a squint.
ReplyDeleteI think your little boy is adorable. It is terrifying to have to put your child through an operation. Best wishes for success this time around.
ReplyDeleteOh anon I absolutely know how lucky I am to have a child who is not suffering from anything more serious but also strongly believe it is all relative, everybodies bad days are different and Im afraid in our house this is what we have to deal with at the moment. A squint holds different problems, he cannot see properly and I worry about the bullying he may or may not be subject to as he grows older as well. Nothing changes the fact that he is my baby and he is having an operation and I wish he didn't have to!! The post is more about how upsetting it is for me that he has to have an operation and that to others he LOOKS like he has a problem. It was in no way intended to offend as I realise 100% how lucky I am to have 4 beautiful children. Thanks everyone for your kind comments :o)
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be lovely to not have to see our little boys go through operations, recoveries and insensitive comments from strangers who don't know what it's like to have a child who everyone stares at or gives a pitying smile. People with "perfect healthy children" are the ones who should be grateful and you know what, so often they're not. Hug that little man of yours extra tight, know that I am thinking of you and feeling every pang of pain, every worry and all that enormous love that you feel for your awesome, perfect and gorgeous little boy. We are praying that this is his last surgery, that God guides the surgeons hand and the outcome is more amazing than anyone ever expected. You're orse and we love you.
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